J

Um, okay, so, apparently mom does not approve. "You have to get in somewhere, you can't just laze at home the whole year." Yeah I told her I'd get a job but she says I might not get one because of the recession.

So. Hectic crying and complete hopelessness and depression because she wasn't behind me on this one and her opinions matter to me the most. It felt like she'd be ashamed of me if I didn't get into the university and would have to go to work.

A bit after that got angry because she made me feel so bad and she didn't seem to care at all how I felt about the whole thing.
Decided to tell her how I felt about it and try to explain it to her one more time, but I was shot down with her first sentence.
Somehow it had stuck to me that my big sister didn't get in to the university at the first try, either. So, I asked that from mom to start the conversation and prove my point. "Your sister got in just barely at the first try."
I've always been afraid that I'd get compared to my big sister, because she's so great and well... I'm not. And now that she said that, it crushed all my arguments and I couldn't say anything else.

Even more hectic crying and the feeling of total nothingness.




After crying myself pretty much dry, I'm feeling pretty numb and I don't give a damn what she thinks, I'll do what I want to do and that's it.

So today was the Finnish baccalaureate. Dunno how it went. It was on the news later.

Was really tired after getting home and not in that good mood. Later it got worse for certain reasons. Then I fell asleep at 8 p.m. and was pissed off when I woke up just now and heard mom closing the computer and putting the lights off. I FUCKING HATE THAT. I still had so much to do and she just let me sleep. I haven't even brushed my teeth! I was also supposed to go to the fucking shower but no. And now I have no clue what people have said to me on the msn because mom closed the computer so that the msn didn't save the conversations. That annoys the hell out of me.

So now that I'm all awake up and pissed off I GUESS I'LL STAY UP THE WHOLE FUCKING NIGHT.

She makes me so angry and disgusted that I often feel like strangling her.




I think I'm going to lose all my friends. If I'm correct, I have only two active friends left anymore, and I'm being active only with the other one.

I'm such a bad friend. I've always been.